Blog #1 — reflecting on career choices in Kauai

I dreamt last night I was in college. I had applied to some athletic position – the administrators would place you in a sport at a level they felt was appropriate for you. I was in an enormous stadium. Huge flags showed the pictures of acclaimed athletes at the school, powerful, beautiful, and happy. The speaker announced that my sister had been placed in a highly sought-after position, to great applause. I opened a letter in my hand, informing me that I had been placed in “Average Ballet”. I didn’t even like doing ballet, nor had I applied for it.

In a sour mood, I ran through the campus, headed for my dormitory. I was angry at the truth: I was neither greatly athletic nor beautiful, and now it had caught up with me. I passed by an art gallery. I thought to myself, I should be in there. That artist does good work, but I can do better.  I just need to spend the time doing it. I need to do it; if I don’t do it, my ideas, thoughts, skills are nothing. Literally, nothing.

I woke up, pulling myself back into reality. It is my last day vacationing in Kauai, Hawaii, with my boyfriend Drake. I am not a stumbling student – I’ve been out of school for a few years and work as a professional freelance artist. I head to the bathroom, my mind swimming in that free-flowing mental state peculiar to the first minutes of waking. The thought slams me: how did I ever go to school for something that was not painting?

How was there a time in my life that I didn’t know I was an artist? How did I not know myself back then, especially to the extent that I chose Nursing of all career paths? How was I that wayward, that in denial of what would make me happy, of what I would be best at, of what my individual talents were?

I feel compelled to advise young people that they should study and practice something they are passionate for. This is not a new idea, of course. Many people do advise it. But as someone who did not believe in that advice for a second when I was young, I’d like to elaborate on it for others.

I heard a lot of this growing up: “He’s studying Art History – what the hell type of job is he going to get with that?” “You can major in Psychology, but you’ll only have one career path: teaching.” “There are no jobs in that field.” “That is a very competitive field to get into.”

Well-meaning advice. I wish I had told them to shove it all up their ass.

People will give you the advice that they know from their experience. If they never believed they could follow their passions and be successful, why would they encourage you to follow yours? They fear for you, as they feared for themselves. They only know playing it safe. They only know the written script.

If we are truly passionate for a topic or field, we will work tirelessly, naturally, to be successful in it. We will be happy to spend all of our time doing it. We will be happy to start at a low rung of the ladder of success in the field to work our way up as we must. If we can’t find a job in our area, we will move away for one gladly. We will open our own business in the field providing the service. It is our pleasure to perform this action, and we will do it, for what else would we rather do with our time and money?

I am fortunate to have discovered this truth for myself. This is my lived experience. I hopped around majors for my first couple years of college until settling for what I heard was an esteemed, desirable program at my school, the Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing. I didn’t even know what nursing was. I did know there was always a demand for nurses, and they got paid a lot. It would be easy, I thought, and then I could go on to master in something else if I didn’t like it. Within the first week of the nursing program, I knew I hated it, and I cried. By the end of the year-and-a-half program, I was overweight, smoked weed frequently, spent my free time playing video games, went to weekly therapy for social anxiety disorder, and was stuck in a bad relationship. A year after graduating, I ended up moving back in with my dad because I was depressed, jobless, and hopeless. Eventually, I announced to my family and friends that I wanted to make art for a living, despite that it would be difficult, that I would be poor, that it was not respectable, that I would be giving up my potential to do something important in the world (like work in healthcare). I believe they thought I was more lost than ever in making this decision, and they still might be thinking this -- two years into this journey, a family member asked if I would seek a real job soon or if this was all there is for me, making paintings. I should have assured her this is my real job, which I love, which I tire endlessly over, which I think of all day and at night, which I strive to do better and better for my clients and for the world. This is what I want more than anything, to make paintings. The pain and failures that come my way I will endure, because this is what I must do with my time, my energy, my breath: make paintings.

I had no plan of action when I decided art should be my career. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I knew I would be happy doing it all day every day for little pay, so I figured I couldn’t go wrong with that attitude. I took it day by day. I worked at it. I had the conviction that I would do whatever it took to make it. I still have that conviction – I must do whatever it takes.

This is my experience only, and others who have gone after their passions will have had different experiences. Regardless, I feel sharing this can help many people. I know what it was like to wake up in despair and dread for what each day held, for what my future held. Since I made this reroute in my life, I have left depression and anxiety behind. I am driven. I am energized. I am purposeful. I cried the other day when it struck me that I haven’t had a suicidal thought in years. I actually lowered to my knees, it was such a moving realization.

It is important to say, like everyone will tell you, life isn’t perfect since “I followed my dream”. I don’t feel an overwhelming daily happiness (even if we won the lottery, I don’t think we would feel this unattainable happiness). I do wish I made more money for the amount of work I do. I stress over being a good business owner, a good daughter, a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good inhabitant of Earth. I want a certain definition of success I have not achieved yet. I think it is having a sense of direction and hope that has made the difference in my experience. I am so thankful I get to work every day towards my best life, which I can envision perfectly and which I fervently believe I can attain.

I am so thankful I made the tough decision years ago, with my ego destroyed after grand failures, to go after the ludicrous idea of someday being a full-time artist. I hope that everyone will know they are no different from me. Life can be whatever we want it to be. Life is whatever we make it to be.